Frozen 11 of 30 NaPoMo2015

Say something!
Do something!
React!
We all think we'll be the hero when the time comes to step up against the bad guys.
Oh well if that happened to me I would...
I can't believe that happened, I would've...
That's horrible you should've...
Well you could've...
In the moment when the monster camouflaged as something... someone harmless
Decides to strike
Someone hit the pause button on empowerment
Fear froze my womanly strength
Froze my reflexes
Froze  my mind
This is not the kind of thing you can really prepare for.
But when you're violated in the middle of a crowded subway car
Stuck, struck, stroke, choking for air
All alarms going off on the inside
But still frozen with fear on the outside
Its so unfair, you want to stand up for yourself.
It's over it happened, but never again
She thought until the next time she ran into a similar beast
Iced response cannot compute what is happening
Say something!
Do something!
React!
Don't just stay frozen
Don't stay broken
Don't let your spirit be stolen.

A Message 19 of 30 NaPoMo2014

To all the men
Who were too cowardly to love me
To those who made heartbreaking
Into a pastime
And mistook my heart
For a baseball
Playing catch for a while
Then throwing it
To left field
Or hitting a grounder
Out of nowhere
To those who were magicians
Illusionists
Making me feel important
For just a moment
To those who are missing out
On all I have to offer
To those who passed up on me
Because I don't fit into their blow up doll mold
To those who left me hanging
Thank you for not sticking around
And blocking my way
From happiness
The ability to love
Me, myself and I

Burned 12 of 30 NaPoMo2014

It's time
To pick up the matches
Among the ashes
Left from too many flames
Lit and re-lit
But not getting it quite right
And getting quite upset
About the outcome
Overcome with loneliness
It's no wonder
She set her love life on fire.

Vanished 11 of 30 NaPoMo2014

I really hate it when people cut you off for no reason
Like there is this invisible treason unbeknownst to me
Why you decided to cut me free
And leave without a word.
Yes now this friendship required work
But the worst part of this is
I know you know better
Throwing memories to the shredder
Only leaving pieces of laughter we shared
It doesn't matter that I cared whenever there was a problem
If I could try to solve them and better your world I would.
I just don't understand
How you could just stop communication.
It just comes with this irritation
Because I know it's not my imagination
That we were close
Because we chose to keep contact
When the odds were against us
Crossing paths briefly
Where ever life sent us.
I guess closure is impossible
For a pair I once thought was unstoppable
Even in your silence
I still hope you're doing well.
I just needed to get this out
And stop kidding myself.

No Lo Sabes Pero- 8 of 30 NaPoMo2014

Te iba llamar
Quería escucharte
Mala idea

Out of Step 6 of 30 NaPoMo2014

I'm not sure I made the right decision
Actually from the beginning
It's like we're on the wrong foot
Trying to make it fit to the beat.
And even though we BOTH KNEW
We were out of step.
It just felt nice to listen to the music
Even though we BOTH knew we were not on beat
You beat me to it
And your phone call telling me you wanted to sing a different song
With me doing the oohs and ahhs
Instead of the lead duet.
Which lead to my anger
For once again letting a stranger
Strum on my heartstrings
But not finish a verse.
And worse...
I knew you were right.
Because we BOTH knew we were off beat.
And instead of beating around the bush
That phone call
Let me push you away far too easy
Maybe we could have met in the middle
When you tried again
I ran away from the repeat sign in the score
Those two dots bring you back to the beginning
But i guess I also ignored the breath mark
And the fact that most times there are second endings

Es Cara La Ilusión

Veo tu cara en todas partes
Descansando en Plaza España
Saliendo del metro
Comprando vino en AhorraMas
Veo tu cara en todas partes
Esa cara de cobarde
Que no pudo darme la cara
Veo tu cara en la luna
Cuando me asomo a la ventana
Para inhalar la aroma de nuestro pasado
Ya sabía que jamás me ibas a querer
Y no quería admitir
Que yo tampoco lo tenía tan claro
Esos pajaritos en el aire que te iba a pintar
Por eso no hay poema
De los momentos felices que vivímos
Porque ya tenía fecha de caducidad
Y no tenía porque meter más ilusión
En una relación
Destinada para meterla con la basura.

Ya me cansé

Ya me cansé
De escribir cosas tristes,
Contar historias
De ilusiones robadas
En vez de cuentos de hadas

Ya me cansé
Que este bolígrafo
No graba cosas bonitas
Solo inspira ideas cansinas
En vez de algo que anima

Ya me cansé
De los decepciones
De los distracciones
De los desacuerdos
En vez de crecer me deshago

Ya me cansé
Me voy a dormir.

¿Qué cuento?

Me encuentro contigo
En el cuaderno otra vez,
Que ya juré que nunca más lo volviera hacer.
Pero...
Pero al nacer lo que siento
El viento me lleva a recoger el lapíz
Y escribir en hojas
En vez de volverme loca
Rompiendo la cabeza contra la pared.
Esta historia no tuvo un comienzo,
Ni tendrá fin.
Pero en fin aquí estamos.
Semi-lectores/ Medio-escritores del relato.
Atrapados en un atasco de sentimientos,
No sé si miento
Cuando te digo que no me importa
Nuestro estado: Nada.
Menos mal que sé nadar
Y me quedo, de momento, sin ahogarme,
Y sin hogar para mi corazón.
Que ya sabes que es un poco tonta,
La misma prueba pendiente.
Y esto no depende de ti.
Sino de mis inseguridades
Y cómo está la situación...
Me quedo con el cuento no contado
Y el cuaderno lleno de poemas
De lo que no pudo ser.

Minor Setback

I'm restraining myself from complaining
As I'm painting butterflies over thunderstorms
Normal people wouldn't have to do this.
More than half of them would be thrilled to just sit back and enjoy the ride.
And not have to hide behind weak smiles and facebook photos.
How funny is it that just like a rollercoaster,
As soon as you find the top of your utopia
You are ripped away
Wind pushing you back
Until you're back to the bottom
Knocked on your bottom
Working your way up to the top of your joy?
I know without the drops you are just plateauing,
But what if you plateau on perfect?
Without change there is no progress
But damn, if the process of progress can happen without having to regress
This mess of a life would be so much simpler.
I know I've sung these blues before,
I need to take this frustration
And use a bit of imagination that will help me inch back up again.
A setback is a setup for a comeback
And I'm ready to come back to a place where I can call myself Cathy.
I mean happy.
Happy to be in my own skin.
Heart not hurting for
*What hurts the most*
The things it wants but can't have
But it still hurts though,
Trying to put this selective vision away from what's missing
And onto what I might be missing in front of me.
Forgive me for dwelling on this not so compelling rant
But I think spelling it out to the world
Will help me get up from being down
Because when you're down
You only just seem to go deeper
Along the steep path
Losing sleep
As negative vibes creep their way into your pillow
With each weep.

Forget It

To the boys at the bar yesterday who I wish to forget:

Forget how I don't really enjoy bars anymore where weaving to meet your friend becomes a Nick Arcade challenge, but you do it anyway to meet the people you call friends.

Forget how seeing me made you feel so repulsed and wide eyed that you decided it was okay to "sneak" pictures of me with your phone and pass it around to your group of assholes to check out the beast on the other side of the tsunami of people.

Forget how you kept looking back and bursting into laughter causing the domino effect with your friends... over and over again.

Forget how all of this paralyzed me into not being able to stand... stand up for myself and call you out on your bullshit. Paralyzed not being able to explain without being embarrassed to my company why I wanted to leave so early.

Forget how I cried all the way home. Just floating on a river full of tears, and my legs just moving along with the current.

Forget how I'm supposed to brush this off and know I'm better than the picture you're painting of me. How I"m supposed to be strong.

Forget how I'm not supposed to hate this town.

Thanks for making this a night to remember. A shitty night to remember.

Sola

Semi enamorada
Abandonada
Soledad sola
Soledad acompañada
Acompañar soledad
Sol La Ti Do
Dormir Sola
Latido en singular
Sin Lugar
Sola
Dos silabas
Una persona
Sola.

{source}

(Non) Surprise Ending

I don't want to take out this notebook
I don't want to bring out this pen
I don't want it to hit the paper
Because then it means that
These feeling are palpable
That this sadness is real
That I can't hang onto the hope
That this is reasonable
And things can go back to the way they were.
But these weeks of silence
Have blurred together
Tethering my nerves
Taking over all my swerving swirling thoughts.
I don't want to write these words
Because it hurts
Because I have too many poems like this
And I wish I didn't have a laundry list
Of ghost stories to haunt me
Taunting ideas
Watching flaunting couples pass by
And as I get older
It gets harder to start
And even harder to fall apart at the seams
When things seemed to be fine
But I'm just a fool
For thinking I could have a happy ending
When life has been sending the message
That it's table for one
For quite some time now
I don't know how to protect myself
From the wealth of emotions that come from my soul
Dumbing down
Breaking down
Drowning in fond memories
And what could have been
I could have been happy
Instead of scribbling rhyming syllables
On paper dribbled with tears
Full of fear
That this movie has been on repeat
But I guess in my head
I like to play pretend
And believe I don't know the end of the story.

Repeated Course

Being honest with myself
Feeling broken and broke
Just the butt of another joke
Taking it old school to new school
Because you fool
You didn't pass the 50 billion times you took the test
Putting to rest naiveness
R.I.P trust
And this busted heart
Start again
You know the drill...

Turn the Beat Around- NaPoMo- 30 of 30

Today I need to write a happy poem
Enough of the crappy
Sappy stuff
Stuck in a rut
Ruin the routine
Let's smile today
Be brave
And pave the yellow brick road
Up the mountain you're climbing
Find the silver lining of the story
In a starry sky
Life is wonderful
Believe it

Pictures-NaPoMo 27 of 30

A life lived through pictures

How stories are shared

Capture the essence of the moment

For people not even there

Memories were made

And I wasn't there. 

And it tears up me inside

That in people's minds

When they remember that time

I'm not a part of it

Consequences unforeseen

At the start of it all

Just let me look at the pictures 

Feeling oh so small

Side Salad- NaPoMo- 24 of 30

You´d rather have me
For lunch
Then throw away the napkin
Than to make something happen
I'm not okay with that
So hat's off to you
For being so honest
But honestly,
Did you think that I'd accept
What you offer
Even though often now
I wonder what I'm worth
That's the worst thing
You could have done to me

Unwed NaPoMo 22 of 30

Always the bridesmaid
Never the bride
Or even a chance to stride
In that direction
Missing the affection the comes with such vows
Flooded with questions
Of How
And Why
Increasing sighs
No cure in sight
Or even something
That might suffice
Just too nice
Or too something else
Good for only a fling
He says "You turn me on
But not for a relationship"
Sinking the ship of hope
To be able to cope
Living in a world
With a dope
Who would even say that

Dead End- NaPoMo 18 of 30

From day one
There were bad vibes
But the right thing was to try
Give the benefit of the doubt
Figure out
What this was about.
Why we didn't click
When you had your clique of chicks
To stick by your side
Trying to abide by the correct
By the correct social code
And taking the higher road.
But it wasn't one act alone
That lead to the admission
Of intuition being correct
Respect people
Respect boundaries
This isn't high school anymore

Daily Occurrences- NaPoMo 13 of 30

The "you're beautiful" in my head
And the "you're beautiful from my friends
Doesn't transcend to the nameless passersby
Who try to break me down
With each muffled laugh
If I hit every person who's made fun of me
When my fist tries to insist
That justice persists
But I resist
Stipulation that I am not their equal
And a sequel to hurtful behavior
Is not the savior of this case
I don't know what it is about my face
That is such a disgrace to this society
And  I guess I'll never know
As I walk away
With an eruption of giggle behind me
With so many stares and glares
Life is really an unfair affair.