(Non) Surprise Ending

I don't want to take out this notebook
I don't want to bring out this pen
I don't want it to hit the paper
Because then it means that
These feeling are palpable
That this sadness is real
That I can't hang onto the hope
That this is reasonable
And things can go back to the way they were.
But these weeks of silence
Have blurred together
Tethering my nerves
Taking over all my swerving swirling thoughts.
I don't want to write these words
Because it hurts
Because I have too many poems like this
And I wish I didn't have a laundry list
Of ghost stories to haunt me
Taunting ideas
Watching flaunting couples pass by
And as I get older
It gets harder to start
And even harder to fall apart at the seams
When things seemed to be fine
But I'm just a fool
For thinking I could have a happy ending
When life has been sending the message
That it's table for one
For quite some time now
I don't know how to protect myself
From the wealth of emotions that come from my soul
Dumbing down
Breaking down
Drowning in fond memories
And what could have been
I could have been happy
Instead of scribbling rhyming syllables
On paper dribbled with tears
Full of fear
That this movie has been on repeat
But I guess in my head
I like to play pretend
And believe I don't know the end of the story.