Cravings

Gluttony consumes you
As you stare with your eyes glazed
And your mouth salivating.
Putting on your hiking boots
To devour vanilla caramel mountains
Laying with cream colored satin
Enjoying the sweet coconut scent
The sand passes through the hour glass
Giving your gastronomy an expiration date.
You glare at the coffee cake with intensity
Wanting to consume all you can.
The stopwatch hits go for your diet
You won't cheat
So eat
Eat it all now.

Penny for Your Thoughts

Stupid, stupid girl
Allows the space in her head
Where her brain is supposed to be
To be filled with nonsense feelings of superficial comfort
Comfortable
Curious
Crazy
Dangerous
It's dangerous  to walk around dark pathways with your eyes closed
You never know what's going to come out of the shadows
Naïve
Obscene
Unseen
On the silver screen
Eyes are glued
To misconstrued tales of amorous encounters
That are not going to happen in my lifetime
Feeling so empty as the credits roll
And the characters have their dreams come true
It's like I'm missing the adapter or something
To the ultimate connection
So what in the world is wrong with me?
Swirling skewed ideas
Of obtaining or sustaining relationships
Without refraining from giving it your all
There really should be training for this stuff
Sifting through the fluff
Looking at the hand that's been dealt
Deciding which bluff to call.
And just remember you're not playing strip poker
Even though with each unsuccessful game you lose a piece of yourself
No tip for the dealer
But if anyone else were to give their two cents
They would say, "What are you thinking?
You're beautiful
So dismiss those who need the submission
Or download of your grace.
Face your fear of being near spinsterhood
The most ridiculous notion in the neighborhood.
Watch for those who can't appreciate your light.
Fight to be happy.
But make it happen in the right state of mind.
You are one of a kind.
So don't roam the streets blind
To the fact that you're pretty amazing.
No question, comma, or quotation,
Just period.

La Challenge

I have a problema
When I'm trying to bust a rhyme
No es la misma thing
To get a flow going en Español
I lose control
Going in circles looking like a caracol
Palabras just don't come out the same
Trying to be profunda
Ending up just driving myself insane
Falta de vocabulary is my derrota
Missing the frases that are the bases of this stream of pensamientos.
As much as I want to creer
That I am a wonderful mezcla
Enjoying the best of two mundos
I realize my dose of idiomas is a bit de un lado
My Spanglish is lavish
Excepto when the lapiz hit the papel
Perhaps algún día
I'll be able to live better in los dos worlds
For now I'll just disfrutar life
With my PB & J and horchata.

Message In A Bottle

Have you ever had feelings that you were ashamed of?

Thoughts going through your head that if you gave them a voice

You would immediately regret it as soon as the treacherous words left your mouth.

Syllables that come together in the form of anger, bitterness, and resentment.

Meant for an unknown receptor

The original agressor

Something you obsess over

Over and over

Not getting over it

Lost in a dark forest where the roots of maddening trees entangle you

So you can´t move

Can't breathe

Can't think  

Creatures of uncertainty

Certainly overstaying their welcome
In a mind that’s burning with fury

A fire that is drowning in doubt and self conciousness

Constrained by the norms that society has defined for certain relationships.

That ship may have already sailed.

Have you ever had feelings you were ashamed of?

Mine are in a message in a bottle.

Sinking to the bottom of the ocean.

The Awakening

What happens to our soul when a shadow is cast over our life?
Removing the light that can brighten up a day at the sight of hope.
How does one cope with the darkness and growing strife?
Not long ago, I wouldn't have had an answer
Just putting a show
Being a dancer on stage.
Containing the rage that in reality kept  me in a cage.
Craving normality,
Whatever that is.
Going through each formality, but failing to remedy my ailing spirit.
It's not something simple that you can fix.
Not to say, I have all the tricks,
But the moment I decided to switch my plight for a fight to make things right
All of those nights became a little more clear.
Steering myself back on to the road
After a series of crashes
Getting up from the ashes of being burned from all sides
Enjoying the ride
Because I woke up from my nightmare
Into a dream
I'm taking control
Climbing out of the hole in my heart
A new start.
I'm alive
I'm awake.
I'm on my way.

Over It

Seasons change

Coming and going

As we continue to flip the calendar pages

Stages of life

Ages or periods

Of glee or sorrow

Tomorrow we don't know what awaits us

But I'm hoping for the sun 

To push away those clouds

That have overstayed their welcome for a while now

I need some breathing room

Because this bad luck has taken me in like quicksand

And in the grand scheme of things

This just isn't working for me.

Anxious

Tomorrow

Next Week

Next Month

Next Year

Future

Darkness

Doubt

Despair

Unable to prepare for what comes next

Nervous walking through the hallways of life blindfolded

Blind to the fact that there are other things out there

Other than this. 

Lists of endeavors

That are severed by hands that are not interested in your plans

There is no GOL!!!

Because from here there is no motion forward

The momentum achieved 

The need for speed

Has slammed on the brakes

By a collision of opinions

And the wreckage is sent to the junkyard

Along with any opportunity for peace of mind

Wait to open the closed door

Patience will pick the lock.

Fireworks in Africa

When I think of you

I hear high pitched noises

And explosions of fireworks

Bright lights giving me a twinkle in my eye,

A blanket of warmth in the cool breeze,

Security in the chaos.

As long as I'd like to prance in a field of tulips
Where our two lips can find each other
The brown dirt that separates us
Is growing longer with every sunrise
And when the night falls
My hopes of a real romance
Dwindle as the curse sets in
I am strangled with the telephone cord
Losing my breath
Growing faint
Not knowing if I have enough strength to continue to miss you
My world is growing hazy
And I begin to dream
I'm floating across the ocean
To a faraway place.

Transportation

The metro

An underground spectacle

Miles of track carrying millions of people

To destinations unknown to the rest of the world

Intertwined paths of those who wouldn't cross otherwise

Two or more souls sharing a moment

Even if it's finding your balance 

Or fighting to get in

Kind of like life

You wrestle for a spot 

Always going somewhere

Being careful not to stumble

Hold onto the rail

Your stop is next

Haiku- Fundamental

Striking is a right.

Education is as well.

Got any questions?

Haiku- Sun Gods

Now there is sunshine

My spirit's rising again 

Warm thoughts bring big smiles

Haiku- Beats

Headphones drowning sounds

Eighth notes skipping in my head

Today's a good day

Haiku- One Year

Anniversary

What happened to me this year?

Memories not Life.

Haiku- Time for School

My students talking

Saturated with ideas

The classroom's open 

On The Day I was Born

APRIL IS NATIONAL POETRY WRITING MONTH 

Cathy's Blues

No video for this one (for now anyway). Enjoy :)

I’m not rejecting

Just accepting that your words are no longer affecting me anymore

So when you keep interjecting those clichéd phrases,

Thoughts are collecting in my headed

Running around in the mazes

Intersecting with ideas of doubt, despair, and shame.

I know that is not the aim of your action.

A fraction of me tells myself the same.

As I claim to be okay,

I’m not sure if it’s just to say “the right thing”

Or I’m truly trying to convince myself it’s true.

The truth,

I’m blue

Nothing to do with you,

I just can’t deal with the cards in front of me.

They raised the big blind a little too much this time

Forcing me to rhyme

Soothing me into something sublime

I sit with headphones on full blast to drown out the sound my cries.

This is a person I don’t recognize.

Even though I can legitimize this problem

I need to rise and solve them.

I know you’re confused

‘Cause it seems I refuse your help.

I keep up great pretenses

While maintaining large fences of barbed wire around my mouth

But I tend to spout things out that are tender.

I can’t surrender to this

I have to defend my right to a life

My right to be me.

I’m gonna break free.

New Poems for 2012- Hungry & Misunderstood

I am hungry

(And I’m sure when you look at me you’ll say, I bet you are)

But there isn’t enough strawberry ice cream or ho-hos in the world to fill the void that makes me hungry.

Hungry for love

Like the late Etta James (may her musical soul rest in peace) said, I want a Sunday kind of love.

Sun to brighten the dark path my heart has walked on for much too long.

Days without even a nibble of affection

Starving for attention

In need of a Grade A inspection

Instead of looking at just a reflection of the connection in need of correction or maybe just the deception of my own mind that a little elbow grease will make it work.

I drool to be cool like the girl on his arm, his prize, to my surprise a genuine relationship without the thought of the demise.

Thoughts that my jaw is tired of chewing on and spitting out.

Tired of writing poems and songs about a lonely girl and a love gone wrong,

Grumbling to be satisfied

Full on butterflies.

Mastering the art of compromise

Gazing with the eyes,

Measuring the power of something you cannot give a size.

I know I am not the only one with this starvation,

Creation of this sensation has been brought on by a society of falsification with no explanation and increasing interrogation about one’s own situation.

But alas I want to be danced and romanced, and lost in a trance (enough to lose a bus pass)

Given the chance at last to bask in the basket of goodies life has ahead.

Misunderstanding

I am not demanding the handing of the spoon to my mouth,

But my life has gone south

Since the landing of that plane

That was in the air for a fair amount of time

I didn’t commit a crime.

I know I crossed a line,

But I’m going out of my mind

As I try and try to catch a break

Making more and more mistakes than I’d like to take credit for.

I know sorry isn’t enough

Because the world is rough

And I just gotta toughen up

And get the hang of this stuff.

I am a privileged child I know

But I’d like to show I really am a humble person

As I stumble on the broken ground.

I’m trying to stick around,

But the sound of the pounding of my heart falling apart

Keeps me bound to this tragedy.

I’d deceive myself if I believed in the harmonious scene I’ve conceived in my head instead of knowing how to deal with the problem.

I know it’s all a part of growing.

Growing up.

I thought I was ready.

Maybe not.

Burned Cookies

 Damnit I was doing just fine without you

But there you go again creeping back into my thoughts like clockwork.

It’s like you set the kitchen timer to 7 years

Only to check in on what’s been baking every 2-3 months.

What you can’t see is that what could have been a beautiful creation has been burned.

It’s Crispy, Hard.

Hard like the journey we’ve embarked on for so long.

This was supposed to be the happily ever after,

And after so long all it does is pull on my heart strings

Stinging from what could have been

The almost.

But almost only counts in horseshoes and hand grenades,

A grenade that’s already blown any aspiration of my being truly loved into tiny pieces.

Peace is what I seek now,

Strength to move forward and leave this story behind.

Behind all of the pain, emptiness, and longing.

You don’t even know have a clue

But the monopoly over my feelings is ending,

You didn’t catch them all…or at least the one that mattered.

Enjoy your milk with no cookies, only the crumbles. 

Shy?

Just started writing and this came out, perhaps to be recorded at a later date but for now, it is, what it is. 

When I tell people I’m shy

The first thing I see is a laugh

Or that look that has “you’re kidding me, right?” written all over it.

I mean, I see where they’re coming from.

Perhaps I am a bit confused.

A shy social butterfly?

I think that’s right on the button.

Just as I walk the line as a gringa-latina,

I can reside in a room  where I have a place in the corner,

And in the center, under the spotlight.

I mean, I am the girl who has sung the national anthem twice,

La Presidenta,

Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz,

And hopped on planes and trains to who knows where.

But there’s no place like home

Where I can be away from the world

With no eyes to judge my thoughts or actions.

Lights, Camera, Action,

And I transform into whoever I need to be.

Bee. A busy bee buzzing around

And still sweet like honey.

Honey, I still stand by what I say and I am one shy girl,

But, I’m not gonna lie.

 It’s complicated.

Cathy With A C

I've had this written for a while since I wanted to add it to the about me section on my main blog, and I finally recorded the video today. So here it goes...

Let me take a moment to introduce myself.

My name is Cathy.

That is, Cathy with a C.

And I hope you can see my name is Cathy.

Not Catherine, Katie or Kathleen.

As beautiful as those names are,

They are not mine.

I am Cathy, with a C.

You see, I’m kind of a nerd.

Band geek for life.

Reading Questionable Content (THE COMIC) online,

Still wearing pig tails.

And busting a move or bursting into song at any given time.

Even in the shampoo aisle

(Tresseme for curls please).

ABCs & 1,2,3s

My life has been school from the day I went to three different kindergartens.

Thriving off of to-do lists, brand new pens, pencils, highlighters, and the ever important first day of school outfit.

Outcast? Sometimes.

Outspoken? Rarely.

Outstanding? Perhaps.

Outgoing? On a good day.

Out of money? More often than not.

The knot in my stomach.

From that moment when someone that looks at you for a moment too long for comfort.

Is there something wrong with me?

With me is the love and support of family and 1500 facebook friends

(don’t hate)

Eighty-eight, the year of my birth.

Born in Raised in the California sun.

A desert Rose almost 6 feet tall and who knows how wide, whose roots spread across the world

World traveler, Struggling window shopper,

Teacher for now, Student for always.

Always looking for the best in people with scars along my legs from the times I’ve been burned, and insect bites.

Bytes of memory that fill my computer with thoughts of a future author, and hopefully comedienne.

See, we’ve come to an end, or rather transition to the chapter.

C- for Cathy, that’s me. 

New Video

Hey all,

  So I was called out in this poetry group that I participate in, APOEM, and posted the video on my blog as well. Hope you enjoy it.

Hello,

Hi,

Hey Hey

Or in this case Hola.

These are SIMPLE greetings that make up the basis of a relationship

Destined to either prosper

Or be cursed into an abyss of awkwardness, resentment, and annoyance.

Illusions of harmony disguise the real demons, or brujas, who prey on innocence and hope with false impressions

An impression of cheaters, liars, loneliness, confusion, oppression, and anger.

My impression?

Not impressed.

But pressed for time to choose to continue this poisonous connection

Or flee to those who understand me the most.

Most days I try to wash away the unsettling emotions

And clear the vision for the second chance.

Seconds away from saying Hola!

Or maybe bonjour!

ReVamped

The CathyBean Poetry Blog is back in action due to a recent spark of inspiration.

I hope everyone enjoys my work and please feel free to leave your thoughts <3

Much Love,

CathyBean

Smile for A Better Place- Song

Smile for a Better Place

I know your world is dark right now

But if you look beyond those clouds

You will find your light, baby

And shine it just like you know how

The world is waiting for a star

You can go and show them who you are

Don’t let the rain fall

And keep you from it all

Wash that pain away

With the glory of better days

I said wash that pain away

And put a smile on your face

Wash that pain away

With the glory of better days

I said wash that pain away

And put a smile on your face

The heartache and the tears you cried

Leave them in yesterday

Take a hold of the world you have

And make it a better place

Yeah make it a better place…

A song I heard made me start shooting out some rhymes and make my own song...here it is I prematurely started recording something, but we'll see where it ends up, just glad to get the pen to the paper again :)

~Cat

Update

If take a closer look you'll see that my poetry comes in spurts, I haven't written anything in a long time, but some recent emotions are starting to provoke some rhymes, so enjoy my posts and new work from the CathyBean is soon to come. Leave the comments, much appreciated :)

Young Love Revisited- Oct 2009

Young Love Revisited

Who knew?
Years have passed
So many worlds apart
But still I’m falling fast
The butterflies never went away
Never leaving the back of my mind
Anytime with you my heart flutters
This love may truly be the real kind
With you I can count on a smile
And you making me blush
Me heart going pitter-patter
You’re my life-long crush
Even though we’re kind of crazy
And sometimes I think you’re wrong
You can still make me giggle
Our love still goes strong
Before I called you Amazing
You keep proving it to be true
Everyday I’m waiting
‘Til the day I’m with you
No longer in a dream
Curled up in your arms
You never fail to surprise me
You’re a lucky charm
You’ve become my hero
A love of all time
A hug and a kiss
Is how I finish this rhyme
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

For my New yorican...I just don't know about him sometimes...

Relief

Relief
After a terrible storm
It seems that all is lost
Feeling so devastated
And paying the cost

No sign of hope
All is gone and you're alone
Missing that feeling
Of home sweet home

When all is empty
And feels so cold
A glimpse of light
Comes out bright and bold

Totally unexpected
A newfound joy
Butterflies and smiles
For my very cute boy

Moving so quickly
No time to brake
Let this be safe
For my delicate heart's sake

Chocolate kisses
Holding hands
Wonderful memories
A walk in the sand

No storm in sight
The air is clear
Let my heart smile
Free from fear

~April 20, 2009~

Little did I know that was the day he'd dump me...

My Song

My Song

The beginning
A start
The first night I met you
You had my heart
That wonderful night
Come and gone
I thought it was only a memory
Like a really good song
An unexpected turn
In front of my eyes you are
My heart is full
Amazed at the moments we shared under the stars
Thats where it stays
Where the song remains
Too shy to pull forward
To pursue any gain
Long, hot days
Daydreaming of you
With a hopeful heart
That I was on your mind too
Saving this love
For you to enjoy
Pero cuando es tiempo
Sola estoy
Letting the memory fade away
With the tune playing faintly in the back of my head
Trying to move on
But getting lost in the music instead
A cold icy night
Like the blink of an eye
The cd is thrown out
No more chances to try
The song is over
The world is listening to something new
Now that I'm not under this blanket
I can finally hear it too
My music is a good memory
For now, A fairy tale turned tragedy
The quest is on again
For another sweet melody


For VM, truly love at first sight, but shyness hindered it all, and now he's married to someone else in a land far far away...

Brat

Brat

Patience is a virtue
That is not in my possession
Not waiting in angst
Is my obsession

Attention I yearn for
Often not there
Then the nerves begin
This is the scare

Often this trait
That people look down
I want things now
Then people frown

Your focus on me
Is something of pleasure
So don’t put it off
Let’s share this relationship we treasure

Words on Paper

Words on Paper

Let this ink flow from my pen
And give words of inspiration
A light in a life
Full of devastation

Words of peace
Words of love
Give us strength
To rise above

Pen and paper
A window to my soul
Escape from reality
My mind on a stroll

Let these verses
Be ones that touch your heart
Take you away for a while
Then back to the start

Sweet Stranger

Sweet Stranger

Sweet stranger
New friend
Budding romance
The signals send

Mirando la luna
And the rising sun
Todos mis pensamientos
Know something’s begun

Butterflies in my tummy
Chills down my spine
Giggles for hours
When you start to rhyme

The path ahead
El camino
It will take us
A nuestro destino

A stranger no more
A new friend to old
Many many stories
Will be told

Dejo estos versos
Para continuar otro día
Y ver esta historia
Aparecer en maravilla

Not My Prince

Not My Prince

An intriguing journey
In search of a treasure
Something for yearning
What one can’t measure
How can it be?
The one that is desired
Just runs away
And hides
While a certain gem
A diamond in the rough
Isn’t for them
Doesn’t make the cut
Life is a game
In circles it goes
Wished to be tamed
And filled with woes
The heart does not see
It can only feel
It just needs to be
With what is real
I have his heart
But someone else has mine
The confusion begins to entwine
Reaching for me
Pulling away
Out come the tears
But I cannot stay
How ironic
Something wanted
Comes from something plutonic
The eyes looked into
The lips that are kissed
Different from
Those that are missed
What the hell?
Am I under the wrong spell?
All the dreams
Are right within reach
But it all seems
Too close
Not just right
Not the fairy tale
He’s prince charming
Just not mine
So back to square one
To see how it is done

Untitled 7/24/07

Untitled 7/24/07

An innocent soul
Or maybe she wasn’t
That night finally came
Where the man had done it
A fairytale prince
A hopeless romantic
All of that changed since
That evening so frantic
She was the girl
With no one to hold
So she looked for ways
Ignoring what she was told
So desperate for affection
Is hurting inside
She despises her reflection
Wants to run and hide
Her hero comes
On a galloping horse
Little did she know
He would change his course
Clouds overhead
Something is wrong
They’re now in the bed
This “prince” is strong
For her body he lusts
But she won’t give in
He wont take no for an answer
And so he begins
This girl had been untouched
By unloving hands
Still couldn’t give in
To his sexual demands
He sees her face
And doesn’t continue
Then starts the confusion
Of this venue
He apologizes with his voice
But not with his eyes
Now its her choice
To leave or stay with this demise
Stupidity arises
As she ponders the latter
Affection is her desire
And that is what matters
Will the sacrifice be made?
Can she live with this deal?
Probably for now
Until she can spin the wheel

Untitled- January 4, 2007

Untitled 1/4/07

Always second
Never the one
Being overlooked
Before it starts; it’s done
Not their fantasy
A good person inside
But it’s all about the ecstasy
All the rest can be lies
Beauty is what’s within
But that’s not how it works
The outside is what is seen
And all the potential perks
So alone I stay
With sadness in my eyes
Thinking of what I am
Makes me want to cry
To even consider me
Would be unheard
With more time makes me bitter
And have no more words
But with no one by my side
No cuddling when it’s cold
All those people lied
By myself I will grow old
Not cared for and unloved
Is how this story will end
Wishing that this message
Won’t be an ongoing trend.


Last posting for today, I hope you all think they're good, or leave me some feedback, or just your thoughts. Lots of love and smiles!!

<3 Cat

The Journey

It’s on your mind
The path ahead
The inevitable journey
Of roses red

Not knowing the start
Or the finish
Only knowing when your heart
Feels as if it’s diminished

Twists and turns
A bumpy street
Someone yearns
And feels the heat

A great passion for one
The sweet eyes of another
Confusion and question
Both you want to smother

Neither goes through
So back to square one
Walking alone in the woods
On the road that’s never done

So many hearts
That are found along the way
But are they torn apart
Or will one finally stay?


Oh the anguish my little heart pours out...surprises me every time i re-read my stuff

<3 Cathy

The Night

The Night

The first glance
Gave me the shivers up my spine
Put me in a trance
Some so divine
Powerful forces
Innocence left behind
With each moment passing
Strengthening this bind
Your finger tips
And sweet sweet lips
Leaving me craving
For another kiss
I’m so unknowing
But you’re my guide
You keep showing
Me from the inside
Bursts of energy
Feelings raging
Touching; rubbing
Going crazy
Finally done
A sigh of contentment
A brand new commitment
A night like no other
Under the stars
One with each other
In your arms