Someday 5 of 30 NaPoMo2014

So many babies
She's yearning for motherhood
One can only hope

Minor Setback

I'm restraining myself from complaining
As I'm painting butterflies over thunderstorms
Normal people wouldn't have to do this.
More than half of them would be thrilled to just sit back and enjoy the ride.
And not have to hide behind weak smiles and facebook photos.
How funny is it that just like a rollercoaster,
As soon as you find the top of your utopia
You are ripped away
Wind pushing you back
Until you're back to the bottom
Knocked on your bottom
Working your way up to the top of your joy?
I know without the drops you are just plateauing,
But what if you plateau on perfect?
Without change there is no progress
But damn, if the process of progress can happen without having to regress
This mess of a life would be so much simpler.
I know I've sung these blues before,
I need to take this frustration
And use a bit of imagination that will help me inch back up again.
A setback is a setup for a comeback
And I'm ready to come back to a place where I can call myself Cathy.
I mean happy.
Happy to be in my own skin.
Heart not hurting for
*What hurts the most*
The things it wants but can't have
But it still hurts though,
Trying to put this selective vision away from what's missing
And onto what I might be missing in front of me.
Forgive me for dwelling on this not so compelling rant
But I think spelling it out to the world
Will help me get up from being down
Because when you're down
You only just seem to go deeper
Along the steep path
Losing sleep
As negative vibes creep their way into your pillow
With each weep.

Forget It

To the boys at the bar yesterday who I wish to forget:

Forget how I don't really enjoy bars anymore where weaving to meet your friend becomes a Nick Arcade challenge, but you do it anyway to meet the people you call friends.

Forget how seeing me made you feel so repulsed and wide eyed that you decided it was okay to "sneak" pictures of me with your phone and pass it around to your group of assholes to check out the beast on the other side of the tsunami of people.

Forget how you kept looking back and bursting into laughter causing the domino effect with your friends... over and over again.

Forget how all of this paralyzed me into not being able to stand... stand up for myself and call you out on your bullshit. Paralyzed not being able to explain without being embarrassed to my company why I wanted to leave so early.

Forget how I cried all the way home. Just floating on a river full of tears, and my legs just moving along with the current.

Forget how I'm supposed to brush this off and know I'm better than the picture you're painting of me. How I"m supposed to be strong.

Forget how I'm not supposed to hate this town.

Thanks for making this a night to remember. A shitty night to remember.

Pep Talk- NaPoMo 23 of 30

"I believe the children are our future
Teach them well and let them lead the way
Show them all the beauty they possess inside..."
I don't know if you've heard this song yet
But it's Whitney Houston
And we like her, right?
How are you doin' little me?
I know I'm taking you away
From your time to play
But what I have to say
It'll just take a minute
You see what's in it for you
Is the stuff I wish I knew
Back in the day
Back to the days
Of jump rope and four square
Wearing my hair like a mess
Caring less
Because Mommy said it's okay.
And I know you'll find your way
In the world
'Cause you're a wonderful girl
Who loves to twirl
With her head full of curls
But I just want you to head
More in the right direction.
Perfection isn't perfect
So realize it's not really worth it
To fight with jerks
Who only want to hurt you
You'll need to learn to dust off the dirt faster
As you'll find the world is so much more fun
When you're smiling
Keep singing
And Swinging
'Cause your laughter is the thing
That will keep you from going crazy
After bad days.
You're always going to look for your spotlight
But sometimes it's not the right time
But I'm really sure you'll find it
A lot brighter than you thought
Circle Circle Dot Dot Now you've got the cootie shot!
Oh my that was silly of me
But that's okay
You're not the delicate Lilly you think you are.
You have to protect your heart
 But that doesn't mean
I have to be closed,
I'm just trying to prevent a few blows
And scars
Once upon a time
Really does become A long long time ago (A last night)
Right under your nose
So know to keep away from the tattle tales
Live the fairy tales
It's better to be a 2nd grade chatter box
Than a 2nd hand dreamer
You know you want to teach
And that want
Will help you reach
Places you don't even know about yet
Get away from the Sega Genesis for a bit
Go give Mommy and Daddy a kiss
For me
From us
Good luck
L8er Gater

Poet Envy

Green like money
Being food sick
Unable to pick the right words
For a better fit
Or maybe it's less about math
And more about meaning
Provoking feelings
From people who are dealing
With thunderstorms and earthquakes.
Engaging in debates
And questioning what lies in their fate.
Time after time
I see people with the baddest rhymes and incredible flow,
That I don't know
If should even show my meager work to anyone.
A simple well done,
Although coming from the right place
And so kind,
Doesn't allow me to find my inner superstar.
Far and wide people will want to read my works
Including all the quirks
Gawking at my creation
The next poetry sensation.
Or at least allow my imagination to believe it.
Just spit it out
"I want to be among the best."

Cathy's Blues

No video for this one (for now anyway). Enjoy :)

I’m not rejecting

Just accepting that your words are no longer affecting me anymore

So when you keep interjecting those clichéd phrases,

Thoughts are collecting in my headed

Running around in the mazes

Intersecting with ideas of doubt, despair, and shame.

I know that is not the aim of your action.

A fraction of me tells myself the same.

As I claim to be okay,

I’m not sure if it’s just to say “the right thing”

Or I’m truly trying to convince myself it’s true.

The truth,

I’m blue

Nothing to do with you,

I just can’t deal with the cards in front of me.

They raised the big blind a little too much this time

Forcing me to rhyme

Soothing me into something sublime

I sit with headphones on full blast to drown out the sound my cries.

This is a person I don’t recognize.

Even though I can legitimize this problem

I need to rise and solve them.

I know you’re confused

‘Cause it seems I refuse your help.

I keep up great pretenses

While maintaining large fences of barbed wire around my mouth

But I tend to spout things out that are tender.

I can’t surrender to this

I have to defend my right to a life

My right to be me.

I’m gonna break free.

Shy?

Just started writing and this came out, perhaps to be recorded at a later date but for now, it is, what it is. 

When I tell people I’m shy

The first thing I see is a laugh

Or that look that has “you’re kidding me, right?” written all over it.

I mean, I see where they’re coming from.

Perhaps I am a bit confused.

A shy social butterfly?

I think that’s right on the button.

Just as I walk the line as a gringa-latina,

I can reside in a room  where I have a place in the corner,

And in the center, under the spotlight.

I mean, I am the girl who has sung the national anthem twice,

La Presidenta,

Dorothy from the Wizard of Oz,

And hopped on planes and trains to who knows where.

But there’s no place like home

Where I can be away from the world

With no eyes to judge my thoughts or actions.

Lights, Camera, Action,

And I transform into whoever I need to be.

Bee. A busy bee buzzing around

And still sweet like honey.

Honey, I still stand by what I say and I am one shy girl,

But, I’m not gonna lie.

 It’s complicated.

Cathy With A C

I've had this written for a while since I wanted to add it to the about me section on my main blog, and I finally recorded the video today. So here it goes...

Let me take a moment to introduce myself.

My name is Cathy.

That is, Cathy with a C.

And I hope you can see my name is Cathy.

Not Catherine, Katie or Kathleen.

As beautiful as those names are,

They are not mine.

I am Cathy, with a C.

You see, I’m kind of a nerd.

Band geek for life.

Reading Questionable Content (THE COMIC) online,

Still wearing pig tails.

And busting a move or bursting into song at any given time.

Even in the shampoo aisle

(Tresseme for curls please).

ABCs & 1,2,3s

My life has been school from the day I went to three different kindergartens.

Thriving off of to-do lists, brand new pens, pencils, highlighters, and the ever important first day of school outfit.

Outcast? Sometimes.

Outspoken? Rarely.

Outstanding? Perhaps.

Outgoing? On a good day.

Out of money? More often than not.

The knot in my stomach.

From that moment when someone that looks at you for a moment too long for comfort.

Is there something wrong with me?

With me is the love and support of family and 1500 facebook friends

(don’t hate)

Eighty-eight, the year of my birth.

Born in Raised in the California sun.

A desert Rose almost 6 feet tall and who knows how wide, whose roots spread across the world

World traveler, Struggling window shopper,

Teacher for now, Student for always.

Always looking for the best in people with scars along my legs from the times I’ve been burned, and insect bites.

Bytes of memory that fill my computer with thoughts of a future author, and hopefully comedienne.

See, we’ve come to an end, or rather transition to the chapter.

C- for Cathy, that’s me.