Minor Setback

I'm restraining myself from complaining
As I'm painting butterflies over thunderstorms
Normal people wouldn't have to do this.
More than half of them would be thrilled to just sit back and enjoy the ride.
And not have to hide behind weak smiles and facebook photos.
How funny is it that just like a rollercoaster,
As soon as you find the top of your utopia
You are ripped away
Wind pushing you back
Until you're back to the bottom
Knocked on your bottom
Working your way up to the top of your joy?
I know without the drops you are just plateauing,
But what if you plateau on perfect?
Without change there is no progress
But damn, if the process of progress can happen without having to regress
This mess of a life would be so much simpler.
I know I've sung these blues before,
I need to take this frustration
And use a bit of imagination that will help me inch back up again.
A setback is a setup for a comeback
And I'm ready to come back to a place where I can call myself Cathy.
I mean happy.
Happy to be in my own skin.
Heart not hurting for
*What hurts the most*
The things it wants but can't have
But it still hurts though,
Trying to put this selective vision away from what's missing
And onto what I might be missing in front of me.
Forgive me for dwelling on this not so compelling rant
But I think spelling it out to the world
Will help me get up from being down
Because when you're down
You only just seem to go deeper
Along the steep path
Losing sleep
As negative vibes creep their way into your pillow
With each weep.

Forget It

To the boys at the bar yesterday who I wish to forget:

Forget how I don't really enjoy bars anymore where weaving to meet your friend becomes a Nick Arcade challenge, but you do it anyway to meet the people you call friends.

Forget how seeing me made you feel so repulsed and wide eyed that you decided it was okay to "sneak" pictures of me with your phone and pass it around to your group of assholes to check out the beast on the other side of the tsunami of people.

Forget how you kept looking back and bursting into laughter causing the domino effect with your friends... over and over again.

Forget how all of this paralyzed me into not being able to stand... stand up for myself and call you out on your bullshit. Paralyzed not being able to explain without being embarrassed to my company why I wanted to leave so early.

Forget how I cried all the way home. Just floating on a river full of tears, and my legs just moving along with the current.

Forget how I'm supposed to brush this off and know I'm better than the picture you're painting of me. How I"m supposed to be strong.

Forget how I'm not supposed to hate this town.

Thanks for making this a night to remember. A shitty night to remember.

Reciclaje

¿Por qué somos tan tontas?
Para tropezar sobre los mismos agujeros en el camino
sabiendo que nos va a lastimar
Pero no alcanzamos rechazar
La oportunidad de volver a ese mismo lugar.
Hay que tragar el orgullo
Ir con lo suyo
E ir a dejar la basura.

(Non) Surprise Ending

I don't want to take out this notebook
I don't want to bring out this pen
I don't want it to hit the paper
Because then it means that
These feeling are palpable
That this sadness is real
That I can't hang onto the hope
That this is reasonable
And things can go back to the way they were.
But these weeks of silence
Have blurred together
Tethering my nerves
Taking over all my swerving swirling thoughts.
I don't want to write these words
Because it hurts
Because I have too many poems like this
And I wish I didn't have a laundry list
Of ghost stories to haunt me
Taunting ideas
Watching flaunting couples pass by
And as I get older
It gets harder to start
And even harder to fall apart at the seams
When things seemed to be fine
But I'm just a fool
For thinking I could have a happy ending
When life has been sending the message
That it's table for one
For quite some time now
I don't know how to protect myself
From the wealth of emotions that come from my soul
Dumbing down
Breaking down
Drowning in fond memories
And what could have been
I could have been happy
Instead of scribbling rhyming syllables
On paper dribbled with tears
Full of fear
That this movie has been on repeat
But I guess in my head
I like to play pretend
And believe I don't know the end of the story.

Repeated Course

Being honest with myself
Feeling broken and broke
Just the butt of another joke
Taking it old school to new school
Because you fool
You didn't pass the 50 billion times you took the test
Putting to rest naiveness
R.I.P trust
And this busted heart
Start again
You know the drill...

Daily Occurrences- NaPoMo 13 of 30

The "you're beautiful" in my head
And the "you're beautiful from my friends
Doesn't transcend to the nameless passersby
Who try to break me down
With each muffled laugh
If I hit every person who's made fun of me
When my fist tries to insist
That justice persists
But I resist
Stipulation that I am not their equal
And a sequel to hurtful behavior
Is not the savior of this case
I don't know what it is about my face
That is such a disgrace to this society
And  I guess I'll never know
As I walk away
With an eruption of giggle behind me
With so many stares and glares
Life is really an unfair affair.

Cathy's Blues

No video for this one (for now anyway). Enjoy :)

I’m not rejecting

Just accepting that your words are no longer affecting me anymore

So when you keep interjecting those clichéd phrases,

Thoughts are collecting in my headed

Running around in the mazes

Intersecting with ideas of doubt, despair, and shame.

I know that is not the aim of your action.

A fraction of me tells myself the same.

As I claim to be okay,

I’m not sure if it’s just to say “the right thing”

Or I’m truly trying to convince myself it’s true.

The truth,

I’m blue

Nothing to do with you,

I just can’t deal with the cards in front of me.

They raised the big blind a little too much this time

Forcing me to rhyme

Soothing me into something sublime

I sit with headphones on full blast to drown out the sound my cries.

This is a person I don’t recognize.

Even though I can legitimize this problem

I need to rise and solve them.

I know you’re confused

‘Cause it seems I refuse your help.

I keep up great pretenses

While maintaining large fences of barbed wire around my mouth

But I tend to spout things out that are tender.

I can’t surrender to this

I have to defend my right to a life

My right to be me.

I’m gonna break free.